I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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