HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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