Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
