glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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