i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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