If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
