i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
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