I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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