Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
