remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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