Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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