bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
