He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
