shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
