i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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