May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
