don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
