I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
