She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
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Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
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If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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