Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Of course I have a pirate flag
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
