So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
last night I used snow as a chaser
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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