Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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