I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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