so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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