Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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