Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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