mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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