No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
