Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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