No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
