im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
