i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
