The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
