Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Randomize
