Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
