You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
