she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
