I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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