the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You can't just leave with hair like that
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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