a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
