Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
