Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
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I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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