it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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