nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I didn't notice because vodka
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
