I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
