I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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