so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
