Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
