1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
