I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
