I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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