we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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