too bad you live with your parents still
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
