1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize