you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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