so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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