Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
