forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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