Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
